The Catch
THIS WAS MY VERY FIRST EMAIL ON THE DAY I SIGNED UP. NOT EXACTLY ENCOURAGING.
RE: Hey
I’m actually still not comfortable talking to my fellow human beings about ‘The Ice Cream Incident’. I mainly discuss my deepest secrets with small animals. Over the years I have developed a rapport with squirrels, possums, and pigeons. In many of their communities these gentle creatures now accept me as one of their own. Indeed, Lord Swishytail (the squirrel king of New England) and I exchange knowing looks and nods of respect whenever I pass by his palace in central park.
In addition to the emotional support these creatures give me, they also inform me of things that most other people are never aware of. For example, it is through my special relationship with possums that I learned of the existence of the “Urban Yeti”, a rare and dangerous beast that solely eats toy poodles and poops them out as diamond encrusted gold bricks. According to reliable contacts, this is the true source of Donald Trump’s wealth and he will kill anyone who knows the truth. He must never know that we know.
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Hmm… in making up all of this bullshit I’ve gone an forgotten what else I should say…
Oh yeah:
Greetings,
(name removed)
